Pregnancy, birth, postpartum
- Smooth pregnancy overall
- Depression and anxiety in the first trimester, went back to therapy for a while until the hormones settled
- Started losing amniotic fluid towards the end, was advised that I will not make it to my due date
- Water broke 36+4
- Delivered by planned C-section, no complications
- Have felt very overwhelmed since the birth, anxiety, a couple of panic attacks, crying for hours on end, thankfully hormones and emotions starting to settle now but not quite there yet.
Baby
- Born 2.83kg dropped to 2.67kg by the time we were leaving the hospital (3 days later), was 2.9kg on day 8
- Ali was brought to me while I was still being stitched. He was then given to my husband while I finished up
- Skin to skin and started breast feeding within the first hour.
Breastfeeding
- I had good support at the hospital, saw the resident lactation consultant and she was satisfied with the latch
- Nurses helped me with the latch every time I nursed in the first 48 hours (couldn’t have done it without them)
- By night 3 in the hospital, I was in a lot of pain because of engorgement. Given heat packs. Told to hand express but nothing was coming out although earlier I was able to express colostrum
- Engorgement continued until day 7, major pain, swelling/edema, red and purple patches, lumps. The severity of this engorgement happened two other times since then with clogged ducts, once after pumping, and once after skipping a feed overnight and giving him a bottle
- Was waking baby to feed every 2-3 hours during this time, which was not easy, he was still very drowsy, sometimes waking him would take a full hour
- By week 3, the cluster feeding began, fed every two hours during the day, then from around 5-10pm he would want to feed non-stop! I would just transfer him from one breast to the other and back again. If I tried to stop him or slow him down or take a break, he would be inconsolable. This had a huge toll on me physically and mentally.
- Aside from the cluster feeding, in general he is slow at the breast. A typical feed would take 45-50 minutes, he would take about 20-25 minutes on each breast. Given that I was feeding every 2 hours/on demand, it felt like I was nursing him for 12 hours a day.
- Our pediatrician could see that I was on the verge of breaking down and suggested I bring down the feeding time to 10 minutes on each breast and then offer him a top-up of expressed milk or formula. I chose formula. I was in too much pain and couldn’t imagine finding the time/energy/heart to add pumping into the mix
- I tried this for a few days but did 15-20 minutes on the breast instead of 10
- After some feeds- (early morning or late at night) he would take only a few sips or 10mls so I dropped those
- After other feeds- midday to early evening, he would take more, I kept those.
- At times he has taken a “top-up” of 120mls after breastfeeding for 30 minutes!
- I cannot tell if this a matter of supply, flow or efficiency at the breast, perhaps all 3?
- He is also slow at the bottle; a whole feed still typically takes 60 minutes +or- (30-40 minutes or feeding+ burping +top-up)
- I’ve had severe pain now for the past 10 days, started treatment 3 days ago for thrush, hoping this works. There were times when I would break down and cry from the pain (and I generally have a high pain threshold)
- I feel a lot of time is wasted trying to settle him when he is not completely full. He is very easy to settle after a top up or when otherwise full such as at night. Breastfeeding for hours when he is still unsettled leaves me with a lot of guilt towards him.
Sleeping
- We have a night nurse who supports us at night. When Ali wakes up, I breastfeed him, she burps and changes him, and holds him if he needs it to go back to sleep. He is usually easy to settle at night. Feeds well. “Sleeps well when his stomach is full” she has told us. Sometimes he will take a top-up at night usually not more than 30mls
- On her days off, he sleeps between us in a baby nest. When he wakes up, I feed and my husband burps and changes him. He goes back to sleep easily.
- From the beginning he will go one stretch of 4 hours during the night from feed to feed.
- During the day, so far, his sleep has been strongly associated with nursing. Which has compounded the difficulties of breastfeeding for me. If he feeds at 10 finishes at 11, is awake for 30 minutes and then needs to nurse again to sleep, I am nursing for 60 out of every 90 minutes!
- I am slowly trying to change this by incorporating other sleep associations such as rocking, white noise, pacifier. I do this only when I am sure he is not hungry and he is settled enough/not fussing or crying.
End goal
- At the moment, the frequency coupled with the duration of feeds feels unsustainable to me. I would love to continue breastfeeding long-term, it is something I feel strongly about, but I need to find a way moving forward to make it less time-consuming and less physically and emotionally depleting
- The pain and frustration have left me with strong negative emotions towards my son that I am uncomfortable with
- I don’t feel too strongly about breastfeeding exclusively, so I am open to all avenues, whatever will allow me to breastfeed for the longest time
- Perhaps breastfeeding a few times a day and bottle feeding a few other times?
- It is my priority to remain responsive to him and his needs but I also do well (for my own wellbeing) with routines and structure (doesn’t have to be rigid) but I need some visibility/consistency/predictability
